🎙️ notes from 1st Hauerwas ‘reconciliation’

[00:00:00] It's June 15th, Wednesday, June 15th at one 20. I just got done some meeting with Stanley. Uh, um, I don't know. I don't know how to describe it. Other than that, I don't think it went well. I, I don't think either of us knew what reconciliation was supposed to look like because we're both, um, typical American Christians probably.

Um, but I did tell him about, um, Porter. I don't think it's Porter, but, um, somebody at Coventry, Coventry Cathedral cited him, Stanley, in saying that reconciliation is when your enemy can tell your story and you have no honest option, but to agree. Um,

and I tried to situate the conversation there. It went philosophically for a little while. Stanley defended why he did not think that he [00:01:00] was wrong in calling Nixon a murderer and that was connected to Vietnam. He didn't mention Obama. He thinks that drone or, uh, bomber pilots are not murderers because they're just following orders.

I didn't ask him if he thought that the Nuremberg defense of "We were just following orders" is therefore legitimate, had no idea. Um, but uh, I told them, look, we can have this philosophical discussion. I. Suspect you won't be happy with it, or we can address the actual context within which I raised concerns about that comment.

Um, I kind of went back and forth for a little while, um, talking about, um, uh, I don't know what, we eventually talked, he asked me or well.

But yeah, before I got to some of the anecdotal crap [00:02:00] was like, well, "I never asked to be Stanley Hauerwas, and um, just give me a break. Like, I'm old, I'm tired. Give me a break." I thought it was the most privileged thing I'd ever heard, um, but that's somehow supposed to resolve, absolve him of any responsibility for the effect of his words.

Um, I think at some point he did say that, you know, "We can't be blamed for the effect." I don't know if I believe that and I think it kind of cuts against the grain of his wider theological project. But, um, yeah, he said that "I've had a good life." Um, that was kind of, that was kind of my point, like "People who are hearing these comments in the way I hear them haven't had a good life." Um, I wrote goodbye letters to everybody I knew when I was 21 and back went out, for the first time when I was 31, like, "I wish I had a good life." And I, I [00:03:00] don't, because people are saying stupid shit. I said, theologians are saying stupid things. Um, and I referenced that it was not just him, I had (Nigel) Biggar in mine, but also (Richard) Hays. Um.

And, uh, I just listened to him drone on about the good life he's had or how he is trying to like, not be involved, but he's teaching a course next semester and he's getting involved in the friendship house. Like, I don't know if he knows how those comments land. So he is like trying to scale back by teaching more courses and getting involved in a dis a house for disability.

I'm sure he could defend himself, but he didn't. I think he just assumes that [00:04:00] I know exactly what the fuck he's talking about. Um,

I, I don't, I have no idea how that's scaling back or staying outta limelight or whatever. Um, he asked if Dean (Richard) Hays had helped and I told him no. He told, you know, told him the nonprofit stuff and the OIE stuff. Um, I think I'm just going full institutional, like I'm just gonna pull back and get the O-F-C-C-P involved.

Um, there just seems to be like, I don't know, i.

After a long silence. I said, um, "We live in a world in which you can just stand up and continue on about your business." Because he was reading a book. Um, "I choose not to live in that world." Um, I, I, it's, I'm not gonna stop him from [00:05:00] getting up and going about his way. 'cause I mean, he can live in that world if he likes.

The ironic part is he's the one that taught me that, that other world or he is one of the people. That helped me see that there is another world, um, that is filled with pain, um, and joy. And that to just kind of maintain our baseline seems to me to be contrary to what it means to be Christians. Um, when he did say, "Leave me alone," or "Gimme a break," he asked me, "Who [are you] to judge [me]??"

And I said, um. I'm, "I'm not one to judge, but I have been adopted into this family to which you and I are both members." And he didn't seem to like that. He acknowledged that that was a, I don't know, more adequate answer than, oh yeah, I do get to judge you or no, I'm sorry for judging you. Um,

uh, I, yeah, I dunno if he just has enough people that he wants to be friends with and he's able to [00:06:00] just kind of slough off everybody else. Or maybe he just sees everybody, short of his PhD students, like if you, if you push past enough obstacles, then you know, then he'll do the favor of like giving a shit. Um, and all, all I thought of was like, if I ever fucking turn out that way, I'll shoot myself.

Um, which sucks because a lot of people managed to get in touch with me and I'm committed to to, yeah, to not doing that. And he's committed to reading books and teaching classes on disability. Um, something still feels wrong. I still don't know what that would mean in collegial terms. Um, because I don't know, that's as simple as thing well give up.

Or like giving up or continuing to, I dunno. Well pester people, I don't know what that gray area is. Maybe I need to [00:07:00] talk to people who do much more reconciliation work than I do. Um, yeah, I don't know. Um, but there's my thoughts for now. Um, I'm sure I'll remember more later, but I just wanted to get some of my thoughts down.

Just remember some of the basics. But, um, it just struck me as like he has no, he's not accountable to any anybody's expectation other than his own, or the ones that he self determines are. Quote unquote "friends" or they, he said, "They've asked me to teach," blah, blah, blah. Um,

I don't know. If this is theology or if this is what the theologians do then I need to find something else. Maybe it does mean becoming, becoming a deacon, um, because I just don't want to, I don't want to chalk everything [00:08:00] up that I don't like to, well, "someone just being judgmental" or some, I, I have no idea, but he doesn't seem to be accountable to me as a fellow Christian.

Um, 'cause somehow I owe him a break. Somehow um, he doesn't have to be accountable to the things that he's done that have hurt people that are being named. Um, I don't know what the name that is for other than just, um, typical progressive liberal. I don't know. I can't even believe he said, 'don't judge me.' I mean, that was literally the, the kind of archetypal liberal line, but.